husband

I Found It!!

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After twenty-seven years of marriage, I finally decided that being the ideal European wife (born in Canada) to my European counterpart husband (also born in Canada), was no longer a feasible option in my life. My role as the European stay at home wife / mother didn’t really apply since I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB. It was time for change and I was not backing down. Communication. Open and honest communication is what was needed. Right?

I will provide an instant replay of our conversation:

ME: I think you can start making dinner on days when you aren’t working. (We Europeans don’t call it supper).

HIM: Fine…fine…fine. I will quit my job and then I can make dinner every night.

ME: Uh…that’s not how it works. I have a full time job AND I make dinner every night.

HIM:

ME: You aren’t working tomorrow. I have a fantastic recipe here for beef ribs. They are slow cooked in the oven. Follow the recipe. Make a side of potatoes or rice or whatever else you feel like making.

HIM: Sure. No problem. I can do that. #snarky

ME: #doubtful

Fast forward to next day

(cell phone rings) It’s my husband. I look anxiously at my watch. I have my weekly group meeting at 10am and he is calling me at 9:52am? Do I have time to answer? #regret

ME: Hello?

HIM: Ok, I was going over the recipe you gave. I have to get these ribs in the oven by 10 o’clock a.m. so we have eight minutes.

ME: (loud and almost symphonic sound of “Carmina Burana”)

HIM: Hello?

ME: I have my meeting in 8 minutes. What’s up?

HIM: Ok, so the recipe says I need barbecue sauce.

ME: Ok.

HIM: Where is the barbecue sauce?

ME: It’s in the fridge. On the door. Right side. Round bottle. Black lid.

HIM: I don’t see it.

ME: It’s there. On the door. Bottom shelf or one shelf up.

HIM: I don’t see it. pause. Oh, wait. Nope, that says “pickles”.

ME: (hangs up. It is 9:54am. Makes FaceTime call.)

HIM: (answers FaceTime call) – Why did you hang up on me?

ME: I don’t have time for this! I have a meeting at 10am!

HIM: Don’t yell at me. I have to get these ribs…

ME: (Rudely interrupting him) Let me see the shelf!

HIM: What? (looking at me intently)

ME: Turn your phone around so I can see the fridge door!

HIM: How do I do that?

ME: Don’t worry about the flip part, just physically turn your phone around so I can see the fridge. Put your phone on speaker.

HIM: (put phone on speaker): Can you hear me?

ME: (time: 9:55) YES! Move the phone down.

HIM: (picks up a jar) – this has a black lid…

ME: Those are olives. It says olives!

HIM: Yeah. That’s not barbecue sauce.

ME: (eyes roll so loudly it sounds like bowling balls). MOVE YOUR PHONE DOWN!!

HIM: Don’t yell at me!

ME: THERE!!! Right there! That black lid!!!

HIM: That’s mayonnaise! (pointing to the super white squeeze bottle)

ME: NOOOOO! Right beside it!

HIM: (finally picks up the right bottle) That’s not barbecue sauce. It says Stubb’s….(pause). Oh…(more reading). Ah… there it is. Bar-B-Que sauce.

ME: deep breathing to restore calmness. Also observing my colleagues with fists in mouths and bent over laughing. Then I hear this whispered from the gang: “THIS SHOULD BE A TIK TOK VIDEO!” (Back to spouse): Ok, so you’re good?

HIM: Yes.

ME: (exhales)

HIM: No….wait. Recipe says we need smoked salt. We don’t have that.

ME: Yes we do. (#IDIOT! why did I tell the truth?). If you look in the pantry you will see a cylindrical container with a black lid. (oh noooooooooo…..black lid! Just like the barbecue sauce fiasco). It’s in the pantry that is to the left of the fridge. Second pull out drawer from the bottom or third one from the top. It’s stuck so don’t try to pull it out! There is an olive oil bottle and vegetable oil bottle in there and it should be behind those.

HIM: (Bends down [he is 6’4″ after all] and pulls out a cylindrical container with a black lid. (reading, slowly annunciating) Faaaaaaaaarm Boooooooy – Himaaaaaalaaaaayaaaaaan Piiiiiiink Salt.

ME: You’re close! It is the exact same container but the label will say “Smoked Salt”. (me looking at watch). It’s 9:58. I gotta go. Text me when you’ve found it. (disconnect)

Now that my phone conversation has dramatically ended, I can now focus on the raucous laughter that has been playing in the background of my ever-so-urgent conversation with my husband.

One minute until meeting time so we rush to share in this quasi-dysfunctional experience of my life.

RANDOM COMMENTS:

  • OMG! That is a Tik-Tok video. (raucous laughter)
  • You should have a podcast! That’s hilarious!
  • Does he do this all the time ?
  • Put him on speaker next time !

BING! 10:00am – meeting time

Earbuds in. Click on join meeting. Good to go.

I am 10 minutes into the meeting when I hear the PING or my personal phone. It’s a text message from my significant other. I quickly grab my cell phone worried about what new life dilemma has occurred only to find a photo of the ever elusive smoked salt and an upbeat comment of “found it”. Life goes on.

Please note that although this particular spice drawer is locked in place the items on it live in a drawer that is 2 feet by 2 feet. Not a lot of space that needs to covered, yet it took my humble hubby 12 minutes to discover the special container.

I am sure there are some who will believe that my glorious husband went above and beyond his call of duty to ensure that we had the most exotic and flavourful meal. He followed that recipe as if it was a treasure map and would not be dissuaded from finding all the necessary ingredients.

And I would like to thank Mark Bland and his Helpdesk for Men. This is what my day felt like. https://www.tiktok.com/@mark_bland/video/7261624424481393966?lang=en

@mark_bland

Wait time is currently 3 hours… #marriagehumor #marriedlife #marriagecomedy #married #wivesoftiktok #husbandsoftiktok

♬ original sound – Mark Bland

Equality for men and women…and a pair of shoes

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I was just pondering this morning how much I love being a woman!  No really, I do.  I love being able to dress up and feel fantastic about myself.  I love when my hair turns out just the way I want it to.  I love it when I actually get my eyeliner on evenly on both eyes (unlike the one morning that I got interrupted and then FORGOT to complete the process…yikes!).  I LOVE…no, I OBSESS about shoe shopping!  I love gabbing and texting and emailing all my lady friends.  Now when it comes to equality, I am sure that NO man would want to be a woman’s equal.

I do realize that there are some negatives in being a woman.  Childbirth.  Yikes!  Numero uno for pain factor, but the beauty of a baby and knowing that you carried that little, helpless, child is just a miracle.  (Really, if men had to do it, every family would have only one child…that’s my theory.)  The monthly bloat visitor…yes necessary for the eventual finality of creating that bouncing, bundle of joy.  (But really, why couldn’t it last 5 minutes and let us get on with our lives?)  In many cases, it is still the designated task of women for the upkeep of a few things, namely:  child, husband, household.  Really, just three things right?  And ladies, I do believe that whenever we assign said tasks to either children or spouses they purposely do not complete the tasks to our liking so that we end up hanging onto these chores and then lovingly complain about them over glasses of wine and takeout food.  Really, where else would we get all of our interesting tales from if not from everyday life?

Men say women gossip.  They believe that the re-telling of any tale told by another female is automatically gossip.  Well, here is the definition of gossip:  Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.  Honestly, most of my female companions confirm the details before sharing any narrative.  The truth is usually waaaaay better and more interesting than any lie you could make up.

I do recall reading somewhere that the circle of women and companionship began back in caveman days.  Men would go hunting and gathering food and the women would stay home, watching their offspring, cooking meals and basically being bored with life.  I am sure one cavewoman suddenly poofed and THAT led to the beginning of women and conversation.  One cavewoman “ugged” to another cavewoman…(a whispered “ug” of course).  Basically what she said in one quick “ug” was “can-you-believe-her-and-how-she-contaminated-our-living-space.”  Yes, I am sure it went down something like that.  Once the men got back, the women shared their tale of woe.  The men laughed and laughed.  The women became divided.  Suddenly the men were getting the cold shoulder from their women folk.  They didn’t know why.  Body poofs are hilariously funny!  The men cracked them off all the time and they kept telling their cavewomen that they should be laughing.  They really couldn’t understand what the problem was.  Then the men hunted more and stayed away from the caves more.  Some of the cavemen had to find new caves because now some of the women didn’t want to stay with the “Poofer” cavewoman or her friends.

You know those cave paintings that you see today?  The ones with all the buffalo and the hunters throwing arrows?  Well, that was the caveman’s cry for help.  Those drawings don’t mean “we hunted buffalo today”.  What they are really trying to tell us is:  “I would rather go out and hunt and get gored by a buffalo than listen to the complaints of women.”

Men and women definitely look at and understand things differently.  If you ask a man what he is thinking about and he says nothing, well, he really means he is thinking of nothing.  If you ask a woman, she will SAY, “Nothing,” but she has so much on her mind and it’s up to you to keep asking until you discover the magic word that will unlock the flood of thoughts that she has going on up there.  Men usually deal with situations as they come up.  Women, will have a situation, they will think of the outcome (many different endings mind you) in order to proactively come up with the best possible ending.  True?  Yes, it is.

Why do women do this?  Well, it goes right back to having to take care of three things:  Children, husband, home.  Take care of those three things, squeeze in jobs outside of the home, and you have the life of a woman in a nutshell.  One big, monstrous, huge nutshell, but a nutshell nonetheless.  So much to think about.  So much to keep organized.  So much to plan and preplan in order to keep this well-oiled machine of life running smoothly.

So men, we do realize that you work hard too.  We appreciate you very much.  We also appreciate when you do notice and thank us for the jobs that WE do.  We love you and we will take care of you.  (Even if you can take of yourselves, we don’t think you are qualified to do it properly or well enough).

Equality for women and men?  Not sure if it will ever happen.  Definition of equality is:  The state of being equal, esp. in status, rights, and opportunities.

Right now, I believe I have the right and the opportunity to buy a cute pair of shoes.  (Men, you really don’t understand the special status you would need to experience that kind of state of equality.

With Love, From Your Future Conscience

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‘Tis the season.  The season for weddings.  I have a lovely collection of invitations at home for upcoming weddings this year.  Some are taking place close to home, while others are at least a 6 hour drive away.  All of them are family weddings.  Coming from a large family means that I shall be receiving invitations for a long time to come.  Initially it was cousins’ weddings and now their kids are getting married.  The celebrations continue.  Family get-togethers abound and and there is always the “OMG I haven’t seen you in forever” which, by the end of the night leads up to, “we MUST stay in touch” phrase.  Indubitably, this does not occur, but the desire for it is honest and true.  All this brings me to ponder wedding celebrations and what brides (and/or grooms) consider to be most important.

Wiseguy and I had an interesting wedding.  It began with the intimate proposal.  It was so passionate.  We were in the kitchen of our apartment and Wiseguy looked at me and said, “Wanna get married?”  My equally romantic reply, “OK.”  (See, we are huge romantics aren’t we?)  Wiseguy picked the date of the wedding.  “How about April 1st?”  LOL!  (April Fool’s Day!)   That would’ve been awesome!  So true to our personalities.  But then he changed his mind.  He pondered and asked, “how about Valentine’s Day?”  Now that was sweet.  Then he continued his thought:  “That way I won’t forget our anniversary and you won’t have to kill me.”  I love that man.

We had just over a month to plan our “perfect” wedding.  It wasn’t going to be elaborate.  In our eyes, the most important thing to us was that the kids were part of our wedding day.  Wiseguy actually thought it would be even better if we asked them for their approval before proceeding with any plans.  They agreed that our getting married was a fine idea.  We were initally just going to hop a plane to Vegas, but not having the kids be part of it was not what we wanted.  Family was always very important to us.

I had a wedding gown that had been given to me when my SIL was closing up her wedding gown consignment business.  Brand new gown and only 5 years old.  Still not too old to be in style.  We got Wiseguy into a cool tux with a funky purple, pink vest.  (The Princess still remembers the special, pretty dress we bought her for the occasion.) We got married at high noon (shot gun wedding right?) at city hall.  Our reception venue…a little odd.  I had a friend who was vegetarian and at the time I had no idea what venue would be best, foodwise, so that everyone’s pallets would be happy.  Then I had a brilliant idea!  I reserved a section at a well known restaurant.  The Mandarin…Chinese buffet.  Yup, I wandered around the buffet line in my beautiful gown.  Did I care?  Nope…I was having the time of my life because I was there with my new husband.  It was great!  Just some family and friends and some great laughs. We had our picture taken by one of the wait staff.  It was given to us in a “Happy Birthday” frame.  Neat right? Memorable?  Absolutely.  (I still have that polaroid picture and the frame it came in.)

If I was to do it over again would I change anything?  Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t.  Definitely not your typical style proposal nor wedding, but for me, it was perfect. I have been to extravagant weddings in halls with huge chandeliers and a harpist playing as you entered.  The food was gourmet and there was French service for the dinner.  There was a 5 piece band playing.  I have been to weddings in less extravagant halls.  All decorated by the bride and her crew of bridesmaids and ushers.  The food was delivered on platters and you served yourself.  There was no band, but there was a dj providing the entertainment.  I have been to many a wedding and many a different venue.  What was the most important part to me about each wedding?  I enjoyed myself the most when the bride and groom were enjoying themselves. 

Here is a small note I would like to dedicate to future brides and grooms: 

Dear brides and grooms.  Your wedding day is special.  Brides, you will feel like a princess because the man you love is there beside you, waiting to become your husband.  As long as your family and friends are with you, you will feel the love and happiness that they are sharing with you that day.  You have your bridesmaids and ushers there to help you out and make the day a wonderful occasion for you.  Use them.  They are a vital part of making your day fantastic.  The most important thing about your wedding day is to love every minute of it.  Enjoy your day.  Laugh a lot.  If anything goes wrong…laugh it off.  It will make for great stories later.  Your wedding day is a one-day spectacular and special event.  Make it a memorable one.  Love…your future conscience.  XOXO