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I Am A Stripper…

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Yes it’s true.  I am a stripper.  I became a stripper three days ago.  It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.  I should’ve started each day with a warm up.  I am using muscles I haven’t used in many, many, many, millennial years.  Sometimes you have to do what is necessary.  I am reaching up high.  I am bending down low.  Squats.  I thought this only happened at the gym with a tough trainer, but here I am doing squats and hating it.  My hip joints are yelling at me.  My shoulder muscles (whatever they are called) are talking to me “Keep it up!  Great job!”  Yep.  Oh!  On top of that I am looking at my accomplishments and I am not that impressed.  Oh, by the way, being a wallpaper stripper is not as easy as you think.

BAHAHAHAHA!  Ok, my tagline of “stripper” was just a draw, but I was serious and honest.  I have been assigned the task of stripping…wallpaper.  This hideous, super-glued paper that has been the bane of my existence.  I have never been a wallpaper person as I have heard the tragedies from friends about the horrendous job of trying to remove said demon paper.  You know what?  They were and are RIGHT!

Wiseguy and I moved into a house with many levels (three) and many…ahem…interesting quirks.  That’s a nice way of saying, “Holy Sh**!  How did we miss that??!!”  This is where I am going to be very honest.  W and I didn’t really pick this house.  FIL (father-in-law) loved it.  He said this would be the perfect place for all of us as he was moving in with us.  (This will be a story (novel) for another day.)  However, we love this neighbourhood and were have great neighbours and there are many other locational benefits.  BUT…this Pandora’s box of a house has been…let’s call it an interesting boxing match.  Hubby and I get relaxed in our home and the house suddenly  says:  “Hey!  It’s freezing outside!  No water for you!”  Yup, our pipes froze.  Hubby punched a hole in the wall and once the copper piping was exposed the water flowed.  Good.  All was well and then…

Basically, our “home” has a personality.  (Seriously, I have worked hard to find the silver lining).  So, when it came to the removal of the wallpaper I knew it was not going to be easy.  I was ready.  I was armed with “Friend” knowledge and with “Google” knowledge.  I was going to prove to Wiseguy that I could do this!  Woman Power!

I am NOT a Renovationator!  I am a wannabe.  I am nowhere near being that reliable person to remove wallpaper.  Honestly, I even thought I would write a proposal to federal prisons and suggest that a good method of ensuring that offenders would never re-offend would be to make them remove wallpaper dating back to the 1950s.  I am sure anyone who has moved into an older home can agree with me.  Those in prison might also agree with me.  The desire to actually take a Thor hammer and demolish the wall is WAAAAAAAAAYY easier than removing this clinging wallpaper.  I digress.  Let me take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.

We have lived in this house for thirteen years.  There have been many changes and upgrades done to this house:  New roof (shingles), siding, eavestroughs, soffit.  New air conditioner.  New furnace.  New windows.  New kitchen.  New wood floors.  New bathrooms.  New driveway.  New bedroom mattresses.  Back to new kitchen because it includes new appliances including Wolf stove, Wolf toaster, Wolf toaster Oven.  Wow!  There are so many things to be grateful for!  Seriously grateful for!  The silver lining in this laborious new work is that once all the irksome wallpaper has been removed we are going to paint the walls with a beautiful new colour and make our house even more of a wonderful home.  In fact, tearing the wallpaper down is not actually a bad thing.  It’s a very good thing right?  Which means that being a stripper of said wallpaper is a job that I should be applauded for!  Yes! Yes! Yes!  It’s good to be me!

Then again, I could be delusional and I actually am in hell (or prison) and my punishment is to try and remove this horrific flowered paper that seems have been glued on with Gorilla Glue.  I will be needing physiotherapy as I am slowly losing the ability to put my hands over my head due to the usage of muscles that I have not used in about 40 years.

Progress Report:  As you can see from the scene below, it really does look like Alcatraz!  Except for the cute puppies.  (This could become a good “rescue dog” video).

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MORAL OF THE STORY:  There may be hard times facing you.  It may seem impossible and overwhelming.  Little by little, and with lots of good thoughts (and/or good music) you can tackle any (seemingly) impossible job.  You can do it.  You will do it.  Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  Conquer those self-doubts and you can do anything.  Even become an accomplished (wallpaper) stripper.

 

 

Give up what ?!!!!

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I feel like I am 23 years old.  On the inside.  On the outside, my 43-year old body is telling me a different story.  As we age, there are fun things that begin to happen.  It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, you notice the changes. 

There are expiry dates on body parts.  I truly believe this.  Suddenly ankles seem to make weird cracking noises.  Back pains…upper and lower.  It’s like there is a bullseye on your back.  “Aaargh….Ow….I can’t move or stretch or bend or breathe!”  Nothing like it.  Eye twitches, joint pains, Achilles heals, tendonitis, stiff knees, weird moles, etc. This is the age of “I slept funny”.  Sleeping used to be easy.  Close your eyes and sleep.  Now, you never know what crick you will wake up with the next day. 

I decided to talk to my sister-in-law about making my life healthier.  She is a practitioner of homeopathy, naturopathy, kinesiology, iridology, acupuncture.  Yes, quite the mouthful, but  basically…she knows her stuff!  Anyway, I started a NO chip / chocolate / candy / ice cream / sugar / anything-defined-as-snack-food eating style.  The new “old school” eating style.  Go back to natural foods and include some daily exercise.  SIL recommended that I start off with a cleanse to purge my body of toxicity.  At least 10 days on this cleanse and come out a brand new you. 

So, she sent me a list of items I COULD eat on this wonderful cleanse.  All veggies and legumes, grains, chicken and fish.  Awesome!  Now, over to the right side of the page was the NO list.  No beef or pork.  Fine.  No fruit.  That’s ok, I’m a veggie lover.  No potatoes.  No bread or anything made with yeast.  Done.  And then I saw it and was horrified.  NO DAIRY.  What?  That means NO CHEESE.  This was sacrilege!  She calmly replied:  “You can give up cheese for ten days.”  Me…give up cheese!  NO! NEVER! NEIN! NYET!  I love cheese.  I love cheeses.  I love everything cheesy.  I love Blue cheese. I love Swiss cheese.  I love Cream cheese.  Bocconcini and Jarlsberg and Gouda and Ricotta and Cottage cheese and Mozzarella and Provolone and Fruilano and Parmessan.  I even love Kraft processed cheese slices.  As you can obviously tell….I LOVE CHEESE!  To make matters worse, I have infected my family with the desire for cheese.

It started with The Wiz.  Kraft cheese slices, my goodness.  Fantastic with Kraft Dinner macaroni.  Mmmmm.  So creamy.  Who cares if it’s a leftover scrap cheese made anew.  It is amazing!  He also loves good ol’ cheddar especially shredded on nachos.  Yum!  The Princess and The Debater agree, hands down, that mozzarella is the best (preferably Salerno brand).  They refer to it as  “The Good Cheese”.  That white brick of yumminess never lasts long.  We have even infected the family newbies.  Actually, The Baker just prefers cream cheese, but that still counts.  The Artist is now a renegade Mozzarella fan.

Cheese is the rescuer of many a failed dinner recipe.  Cheese elevates dishes to a new level.  Gooey or creamy…nothing like cheese.  To get nice smiley faces in pictures we tell everyone to say “Cheese”!  Need I say more.

Thank you to the cows or goats or sheep or buffalo that provide this lovely snack / meal.  Thank you to the cheese makers.  You are artists.  You are creators of taste sensations.  Thank you to all the retailers who have decided to sell such varieties to us consumers.  And thank you to my patient sister-in-law.  Although giving up cheese would make my body feel better, you let me be and don’t judge me for my cheese addiction. 

P.S. In the end, I did take my SIL’s advice.  I decided to proceed with the cleanse and forgo cheese for 10 days.  After just 3 days I was feeling more alert and more energetic.  Any bloating I had experienced before was gone.  It was wonderful! I felt great! 

I must be a fast healer.  I accomplished in 3 days what should have taken 10 days.  Time to celebrate my victorious achievement!

Mmmmm….ham and cheese pizza.
Yeasty, white flour dough.
Wood oven baked crust.
Congratulations to me!
Bon appetit!