It’s all in the delivery…

Everyday life is entertaining.  Today, I am here to share with you a short story of a real life event and the jangledness (my new dictionary word) of my brain in computing the meaning of everyday sentences.

It was a day like any other day; only it wasn’t.  I awoke perceiving this day to be like an ordinary uneventful day, but that changed very quickly into a forever-etched-in-my-memory day.   Why?  I had heard something, thought I had misheard it, then realized I had heard it correctly and proceeded to laugh, doubling over in the agony of unceasing laughter.  Now that you are befuddled, let me draw you into this wonderful world of my brain and how it works.

My niece came to visit me.  This was kind of new, but not especially, as she has visited in the past.  Her husband came along.  That was new, but it really has no relevance to my story.  She has a three year old daughter (sooooo cute and dramatically delightful), and a 6 month old son (yummily adorable) and they were there too.   It is due to my niece’s desire to make her little girl happy, that my humdrum day morphed into a positively hilarious day in a matter of seconds.

It was a Sunday.  Actually, it was Easter Sunday.  My niece and her family were visiting and we were just finishing up eating lunch when my niece began telling me of a wonderful place to buy and sell items.   It is on Facebook.  It’s a section called Marketplace.  Basically, you post pictures of stuff you want to sell, or you search for items you would like to buy.  Neat!  She then continued to share the joyous tale of how she had scored a great buy for her adorable little daughter.  A coveted, two-foot high doll that she bought for a remarkably incredible price.  And this, dear friends, is where my ordinary, uneventful day, went from zero to hero in seconds flat.

First, I need to tell you about the most coveted doll in North America.  The original doll was called the American Girl doll.  This two-foot wonder costs anywhere from $80.00 to $300.00 or more.  She has outfits you can purchase for her (also stylishly and heftily priced).  There are things your child and the doll can do together like go to the Hair Salon.  Oh, the styling is not for your child, it’s for the DOLL to get HER hair done.  There are spa features and parties you can plan for your doll; for a nice little price.  What little girl wouldn’t want this super cool doll with a whole new life-style of her own?

With the fantastically great sale of this toy it was only a matter of time until the copycat dolls were rolled off the assembly line.  These little beauties were priced a wee bit lower than their original counterpart.  Finding a good deal for this doll was (and is) quite a challenge.  Enter Facebook Marketplace.

As my niece was perusing items for sale on Facebook Marketplace she noticed a pretty doll, similar to the American doll called a Journey Girl doll.  Asking price?  $3.00.  Wha-what???  Was this a posting error?  Why so cheap?  Well, my niece had to check into this deal.  After contacting the seller she discovered that the price was correct.  The lady selling the doll was moving to another country and did not want to pack and ship all the kids toys.  Some things just had to go.  So the lady confirmed that the Journey Girl doll was for sale for $3.00.  Well wonder of wonders and call her Super Mom, because my niece was gung-ho to get this doll for her beloved little toddler.

“I couldn’t believe the deal I got!” explained my niece excitedly.  “But then when I got there I realized why the price was so low,” she paused, took a sip of her coffee, “she smoked.”

“Ummmm….what?”  I asked, stupefied.  My brain heard the sentence.  My brain was computing the statement and then my runaway train mind ran off the rails as it pictured the innocent little Journey Girl doll with a cigarette dangling from her bottom lip.  My lips began to quake.  My eyes began to water.  My belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.  I was laughing hysterically; internally.

“Are you ok?” inquired my niece.

“BAAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAA!” I guffawed out loud and took a huge intake of breath.  (*inquisitive look from my niece*) I shook my right hand back and forth in the air, as I gasped for oxygen.  I needed to explain what was OBVIOIUSLY so funny because apparently she had not heard it.

Oh, yes, I knew she meant the person who “smoked” was the lady selling the doll, but read that sentence over again and you can see why my addled brain took the road to that funnier conclusion.

After I finally composed myself into an almost normal human being, I retold the story to all those present.  The gentlemen in the room agreed with my interpretation and the LOL-ing continued.  My beloved niece lowered her eyes at us.  The look of “it’s not THAT funny” being understood.

That tale reminds me of something else I read.  I hope you enjoy this one as much as I do.

Wife:  Honey, please go to the supermarket and get a carton of milk.  If they have bananas, get 6.

Husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife:  Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?!

Husband (confused):  BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS

Um…yeah.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

So, next time remember, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.  It’s all in the delivery.

Smoking…definitely life changing

I am a non-smoker…now.  I smoked for 17 years of my life.  I started smoking cigarettes when I was 20.  Yup a late bloomer.  I never tried, tested, nor tasted a cigarette before then.  I hung out with the smokers when I was in high school, but I never had a puff and never had the urge.  However, once at University I was having a hard time as I had never had to study before.  School used to be easy.  I was freaking out.  I needed a solution.  It ended up being lighting up and inhaling that dastardly smog from cigarettes.

I had heard that cigarettes gave you a buzz.  Too true!  After my first inhale of the wicked stick, I coughed, choked, gasped and then felt a weird wooziness in my head.  Mission accomplished.  I found my med to relieve my desire to vomit from stress.  So began, my seventeen years of smoking a variety of ciggies.  However, this is not about being a chain smoker or what brand of smokes I found best…it’s about the life changing experiences.

My sister was a smoker.  I used to visit her all the time after she got married and one day I told her about how stressed I was at University.  I didn’t know to study.  I had so many things to read and so many reports.  I couldn’t sleep at night.  I couldn’t eat (not a problem nowadays).  I had been consuming tablespoons of instant coffee to help me stay awake.  The abuse I was subjecting my body to was criminal.  I asked my sis what it felt like to smoke.  “When you first start you get this buzz,” she said.  She warned me not to start.  Once you start it’s hard to stop.  Well, I was at my wits end and needed something.  So, I “learned” how to smoke.  With much coughing and sputtering and that awful, horrible taste.  My mouth felt like I had licked an ashtray.  So disgusting!  And so began my years of smoking.

At this point in time you could still smoke in buildings.  I remember sitting by myself at a table in front of the library at the U.  I was reading, highlighting, and basically studying.  My nerves were calm and collected.  Thank goodness for smoking.  I met a really nice guy this way too.  He was selling packages of tickets to a comedy club.  I decided to be nice and buy them.  He came back three hours later.  We chatted it up and he asked me out.  What?  That was weird and random.  Why would anyone want to date loser me?  The reason I wondered was because he was tall and handsome and had broad shoulders (that was my achilles heel with guys).  Funny thing…he wasn’t a smoker.  Now, had I not been a smoker I would never have met this wonderful guy.  Had it not been for my parents eavesdropping on my phone conversations and telling him off with an abrupt, “don’t ever talk to my daughter again” who knows what might have been.

I had lost touch with my favourite childhood cousins.  Years later they ended up at the same hall and same dance that I was at.  I was sitting and smoking at my table when I heard, “Well look at Miss Goodie Two-Shoes.”  It was my cousins.  Well, they were smokers too…by golly what luck!  We spent the rest of the night catching up and clearing up the past transgressions and filling up the ashtrays on the table.  We went back to being great cousins/friends and would hook up many times during the week at coffee shops or study halls and sit around and smoke and study together.  And guess what?  We are still hanging out.  Yay to smoking!

I could tell you many wonderful stories of how I had met wonderful people thanks to fag addiction (OMG I seriously love that the British call cigarettes fags..so cool!).  All these people are kind, friendly, and generous.  My piece de resistance is actually that, thanks again to my puff addiction, I met Wiseguy.

I was working at this one company and one of the girls there asked me if I knew this guy.  You see, we are both Croatians and apparently if you are one then you know every single one on this planet.  I smirked and sarcastically said, “Oh sure…probably.”  So, I walked with her to go and check him on her behalf.  Who did I see standing there but the man who had grown up on the same street as my brother-in-law.  The man who’s child was ring boy at my sister’s wedding.  I actually DID know him!  We chatted, reminisced and then he had to go back to work.  Huh…life is funny sometimes.

He worked afternoons and I worked afternoons and when I went out for a ciggy break, he would join me.  This went on for weeks.  Catching up on each other’s life histories and what was going on in our lives now.  This went on for about 3 months.  I met his children.  We hung out.  We got along.  We got along so well in fact, that we moved in together after those three months.  We married the year after.  So here we are 21 years later.  Still together.

So, when people say that smoking can ruin your life, I wouldn’t really say that.  I would be more inclined to say that smoking can ruin your health or your voice or your looks and it especially ruins your taste buds.  In my experience though, I am not advocating smoking, but I would say:

    Smoking…definitely life changing.